Guidelines for fighting fair:

The way a conflict is resolved often is more important than the resolution itself. How decisions are made sometimes has a more lasting effect on participants than the decisions have. If confrontations are badly handled, a key player can suffer personality and self-concept wounds that are difficult to heal. Such key players include not only the persons who are directly involved in the disagreement, but observers as well, particularly children.

The following twenty guidelines offer rules for fighting fair. Although originally designed for husbands and wives, they are equally applicable to any relationship. The word partner indicates persons involved in the conflict.

1. Consider your relationship a long-term commitment, not to be discarded because of one disagreement, no matter how serious it may be.
2. Agree always to listen to each other’s feelings, even if you consider those feelings inappropriate.
3. Commit yourselves to both honesty and acceptance.
4. Determine to attempt to care for each other unconditionally, with each partner assuming 100% of the responsibility for resolving the conflict (a 50/50 concept seldom works).
5. Consider all the factors in a conflict before bringing up the conflict to your partner.
6. Limit the conflict to the here and now. Never bring up past failures, as it is your responsibility to forgive them.
7. Eliminate the following phrases from your vocabulary:
   • "You never" or "You always."
   • "I can’t" (always substitute "I won’t")
   • "I’ll try" (usually this means "I’ll make a half-hearted effort but won’t quite succeed.")
   • "You should" or "You shouldn’t" (these are authority figure-to-subordinate statements).
8. Limit the discussion to the one issue that is the center of the conflict.
9. Focus on that issue rather than attacking each other.
10. Offer your partner some time to think about the conflict before discussing it (but never put it off overnight).
11. Each partner should use "I feel …" messages in expressing a response to whatever words or behavior aroused the conflict. For example, “I feel angry toward you for coming home late without calling me first” is an “adult-to-adult” message that is appropriate between spouses, whereas “You should always call me when you’re going to be late for supper” is a parent-to-child (authority figure-to-subordinate message. Such an “order” causes the mate to become defensive.
12. Never say anything derogatory about your partner’s personality. Proverbs 11:12 (TLB) tells us, “To quarrel with a neighbor is foolish; a man with good sense holds his tongue.”
13. Even though your partner won’t always be right, consider him or her a blessing from God, working in your life.
14. Never counterattack, even if your partner does not follow these guidelines.
15. Don’t tell your partner why you think he or she does whatever it is (unless you are asked), but rather stick to how you feel about what is done.
16. Don’t try to read your partner’s mind. If you’re not sure what was meant by something said, ask for clarification.
17. Be honest about your true emotions, but keep them under control. Proverbs 15:18 (TLB) reminds us, “A quick-tempered man starts fights; a cool-tempered man tries to stop them.”
18. Remember that the resolution of the conflict is what is important, not who wins or loses. If the conflict is resolved, you both win. You’re on the same team, not opposing, competing teams.
19. Agree with each other on what topics are out of bounds because they are too hurtful or have already been discussed (bad habits, continued obesity, time-consuming hobbies, and so on).
20. Pray about each conflict before discussing it with your partner.

Frank B. Wichern, "Successful Conflict Resolution in the Christian Life," Dallas Theological Seminary
www.dts.edu