The basics of good communication are easy to understand, but it takes practice and time to get them down.

My wife, Nicole, and I have been married more than 20 years, and like many married couples, we've experienced our share of communication miscues.

A typical one occurred nine years ago on the eve of Focus on the Family's building dedication of its Colorado Springs campus. As editor of this magazine at the time, I thought I had told Nicole months before that I would be gone all day covering the event. That seemed only natural, since the dedication ceremony was on a Saturday.

The night before the event, Nicole heard me making arrangements to meet the photographer at 6:30 a.m. "What are you doing tomorrow?" Nicole asked as soon as I hung up the phone. You'd better not be working on a Saturday.

"I'll be at the Focus dedication, probably most of the day," I replied. Surely, she remembers.

"Don't you think you should have let me know that you were going to be gone for a whole Saturday?" You forgot to tell me again.

"Didn't I tell you I have to write a story on the building dedication for the magazine?" I sure hope she remembers.

"No, you didn't." You're going to pay for this.

"Okay, okay, okay." I'm in trouble now!

Whether you call it talking, sharing, staying in touch or just being a sounding board, communication is the lifeblood of marriage. As much as we husbands don't want to admit it, the ball is in our court much of the time. We're the ones who feel as if our allotment of spoken words is used up when we come home from work. We're the ones who emit grunts when our wives ask us how our day went.

Even if you're making the effort to talk, the demands of daily life might have you thinking, In our family, I can barely find a few minutes to take a shower before bed, let alone have a meaningful conversation! If this sounds like you, you'll have to work the communication muscles to keep your marriage toned. Here are a few ideas:

1. Be willing to open up, and be willing to listen.
Shortly after Todd and Tracey Thomas became engaged, they were sitting on swings at a nearby park, making small talk. Todd had a penetrating question: "Can you tell me something about yourself that you don't want me to know?" Tracey considered the inquiry for a moment. Should she tell him? They had been dating for a year, but not all the cards had been played. Okaaay, she thought, I'll take a chance with this guy. "You're probably going to laugh at me, but I don't like my feet. You see, I have a toe on my right foot that is not the right size. See?" she asked, taking off her shoes and socks. Todd peered closely at the offending toe and then at the others. He took a second look. "No, I don't see any difference between your toes," he said. "Oh, Honey, I knew you'd understand!" as Tracey hugged him. All the while Todd thought, Women are strange! Fortunately, he didn't voice that thought, but that afternoon in the park helped him understand two things: One, Tracey's self-image was tied up in how she thought she looked to him; and two, she wanted to know if it was "safe" to confide in him. Have you informed your spouse that it's "safe" to bring up sensitive subjects? Can your spouse really tell you what's on his or her mind?

2. If you can tell something is bugging your spouse, ask him or her about it.
Many times a husband wants to air his frustrations about work, but he doesn't want to come across as a griper. Or a wife's frustration index just skipped off the chart because the kids wouldn't nap or do their homework. Slowly draw out your spouse. Ask gently but directly, "Is anything bothering you, Honey? I'd like to hear about it." Not only will you both feel better, but the conversations may turn to deeper subjects, which will increase your feelings of intimacy for each other.

3. Learn how to walk.
People who want to improve their marriage sometimes think they have to do something huge like take a two-week romantic cruise or a 10-week "marriage builders" course. It's much smaller than that: Take walks together. Walking may sound pretty basic, but it will rejuvenate your relationship. You can focus on each other and just talk as the houses go by. No kids interrupting, no phone ringing.

4. Have one TV-free night a week.
Who knows? The deafening silence in the living room, with the two of you just sitting there leafing through the magazine pile, may cause a conversation to break out. Another approach is to turn the television off after a show ends instead of flicking through the channels to see what's on. Either way, turn that communication-buster off!

5. Don't discuss the real important stuff after you go to bed.
When you're tired, you're more apt to say something you'll regret in the morning. At the same time, sometimes a spouse just has to get something off his or her chest before lights out, heeding the biblical advice not to "let the sun go down on your anger." A balance has to be sought here. Yes, meaningful conversation can happen late at night, but keep the volume down. If you can, save the important topics for the light of day.

6. Check with your spouse before agreeing to something.
If I don't say, "Let me check with Nicole" before saying yes to a friend, I always get burned. Your spouse will appreciate the marital courtesy.

7. Join a couples' Bible study.
Usually, great discussions ensue among couples whose common bond is Christ. Those discussions can serve as a springboard for later talks between you and your spouse. 8. Finally, remember the three C's: communication, compromise and consideration. Compromise is the cornerstone of marriage, but it works best when both sides have aired what's bothering them. In order for give-and-take to work, offer to hear what your spouse has to say first. If you take these ideas to heart, you'll be finishing your spouse's sentences in no time.